lately the body’s base needs matter less and less to me. i sleep less, eat less. i want to transcend my body- i am constantly at the edge of explosion. a mountain at rest. the biggest mistake any of us make is believing the ground beneath our feet is solid.
i am full to the brim. full of grief, of wild hope, of desperation. but there is a bright side to the moon- its reflection at the edge of the world, the shadow a body makes on the ground at twilight.
grief can do two of multiple things. you can close tight around the ache, or you can let grief expose you. you can let it open you wide until you give birth to yourself.
i feel full to the brim with love and kindness. i don’t want this grief to make me cruel. i want to commit to life, to love this tragic but beautiful yuletide of days.
these moments are glorious, in all of their splendid pain. i don’t mean to make this out to be any easier than it is. i just mean that these moments are filling. nyushi told me that our interactions mean the world. my girl is right- our interactions are the world. alone on a bench with a friend as the sun sets- this is the universe expanding in my heart.
one of my eighth graders wrote a poem the other day and said that love would save us. she was also right- grief is, above all else, an act of love. these small acts of grace save me every single day.
nyusha always sends me the right words at the right moment; in james baldwin’s eulogy, toni morrison wrote:
"yours was a tenderness of vulnerability, that asked everything, expected everything, and like the world’s own Merlin, provided us with the ways and means to deliver. I suppose that is why I was always a bit better behaved around you, smarter, more capable, wanting to be worth the love you lavished, and wanting to be steady enough to witness the pain you had witnessed and were tough enough to bear while it broke your heart, wanting to be generous enough to join your smile with one of my own, and reckless enough to jump on in that laugh you laughed. because our joy and our laughter were not only all right, they were necessary."
i was sitting on a bench with a friend who held me as i broke, who was brave so i would feel safe, who showed me his raw and honest truths. love will save us- these day to day graces, when we are both brave and fearless, at once bold and courageous. this is the only universe that matters, this one that we make and speak into existence. with our brimming hearts and tireless hands.